Thursday, 28 March 2013

You are not Mindy, you’re a warrior, and your warrior name is… Beyonce Pad Thai

Mindy Kaling (real name Vera Mindy Chokalingam... say whaaaa) has been writing for major comedies for a few years now. Her big start was on the Office as Kelly Kapoor, but she now writes, produces and stars in The Mindy Project. She also has an awesome book out and is generally hilarious.

So these are my favourite Mindy lines - Both from Mindy Kaling and Mindy Lahiri... and maybe a little Kelly.

Mindy Kaling: Quotes from Is everyone hanging out without me (and other concerns)

"I fall into that nebulous, quote-unquote, normal American woman size that legions of fashion stylists detest. For the record, I'm a size 8 - this week, anyway. Many stylists hate that size because I think to them, it shows that I lack the discipline to be an ascetic; or the confident, sassy abandon to be a total fatty hedonist."

“I'm the kind of person who would rather get my hopes up really high and watch them get dashed to pieces than wisely keep my expectations at bay and hope they are exceeded. This quality has made me a needy and theatrical friend, but has given me a spectacularly dramatic emotional life.”

“Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.”

“This book will take you two days to read. Did you even see the cover? It’s mostly pink. If you’re reading this book every night for months, something is not right.”

“The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I'm reading about the Donner Party and texting all my friends: DID YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT THE DONNER PARTY AND HOW MESSED UP THAT WAS? TEXT ME BACK SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT!”

“I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world. Then I just lap it up.”

Mindy Lahiri: Quotes from The Mindy Project

"Do you know when I die, in my will, I leave all of my money to Tina Fey?"

"You are not Mindy, you’re a warrior, and your warrior name is… Beyonce Pad Thai."

"This house, not equipped for kids alright? I eat cereal out of wine glasses."

"Rapping is a hobby. Do you think I would just throw my life away simply because I’m good at naming celebrity couples?"

"Oh my god did my tuition check bounce? Sometimes they don’t take those Hunger Games checks seriously, but I get such good Mockingjay points."

"I hate when people say old school when all they mean is inefficient and rude."

"I am at this point in my life where I can’t just do what I want to do. I have to do things that really move my life forward like spinning, do you guys know what that is?"

"Lauren, please do not give me printouts from Web MD. It’s like bringing a recipe to a restaurant and saying, ‘Here, cook this.’"

"I hate it when people say “girl crush.” No one’s going to think you’re a lesbian if you just say 'crush'.”

"People seem to be having these awesome sex lives and I’m just trying to find a life partner to go apple-picking with. What’s wrong with me?"

"My plan was to marry rich, and then stop working. Or to marry old and then, when the guy died, inherit all his money. But old guys think I have sass-mouth."

"Condom etiquette. It's hard for women, you know? Because you want to have condoms, but you can't keep them by the bed, because then it seems like you're, like, using them constantly ... So, then you have to do that whole dance like, 'Oh, hey, I might have some somewhere from that bachelorette party I had as a goof!’"

"To show my gratitude for this kindness, we can choose any city of the Real Housewives to watch."
Danny: "Fine. Miami."

"Why do you have a mannequin head and Bossypants in here?"
Morgan: I wated to see how Tina Fey could juggle it all.

Ok, just for good measure, a few Kelly Kapoor quotes from The Office.

"I can't get anything lately unless I threaten to kill myself."

"There is no way it is fine. If I were you, I would just freak out and get really drunk and tell someone I was pregnant."

"This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic."

"I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico."

"Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch."

"I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she could eat the Internet. But smack talk is happening right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right here."

Monday, 25 March 2013

Reasons Liz Lemon is not #theworst and knows best what things are

Liz Lemon, and Tina Fey, I believe have a strong grasp on things that are #theworst.

She knows it's terrible when "girls do weird stuff in bed" and knows that sex is only hot when it involves schedules and organizing in a planner.

"Do you need sex advice? Here's a tip. Sometimes a lady likes to leave her blazer on."

So without further ado, the wisdom of my leading lady, Liz Lemon.

"Now I'm heading home for a nooner, which is what I call having pancakes for lunch."

"If you're ordering me an edible arrangement to say thanks, I'd prefer a meat one."

"This better be important Jack, I was in the middle of buying a bag of bras on eBay.”

"Did you really think I wouldn't recognize my college futon, with its trademark absence of sex stains?"

"Why are my arms so weak? It's like I did that pushup last year for nothing!"

"If I have learned anything from my SIMS family: When a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down, then his mood level will drop until he pees himself."

"You can do some serious subway flirting before you realize the guy is homeless."

"There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party 'cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory!"

"God, three weddings in one day, I'm going to be in Spanx for 12 hours. My elastic line is gonna get infected again."

"Trying on jeans is my favorite thing. Maybe later I can get a pap smear from an old male doctor."

"Who hasn't made mistakes? I once french kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12 year old."

"I don't have any money if that's what you're after. And I'm not one of those girls that does weird stuff in bed because they think they have to. If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that anymore. And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who's a cop so don't even try it."

"If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down."

"One time I laughed at a blind guy eating spaghetti! Sometimes I pee in the shower if I'm really tired! I saw my grandparents making love once and I didn't leave right away!"

"No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say 'oh it's the wrong night' and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I'll put my mouth on his mouth."

“Are you sure? Cause I took one of those “Which Gossip Girl are you?” quizzes, and it said I was the dad’s guitar."

“For instance, Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks with a tan turtleneck. I thought it looked nice, but he, rightly, pointed out that it made me look like a giant condom.”

“Okay, fine, maybe I’m a little old-fashioned. I’m sorry I’m a real woman and not some over-sexed New York nympho like those sluts on Everybody Loves Raymond.”

And, my all time favourite:

“You know what Mr. Bag? I will have a nice day! I”m gonna hang you in my kitchen! And fill you with other bags! YOU WILL EAT YOUR FAMILY!"

Lemon – OUT! Shut it down.

Friday, 22 March 2013

Awesome design for your porcelain throne room

BuzzFeed Shift just posted an awesome list of 27 Clever And Unconventional Bathroom Decorating Ideas. And they're awesome.

So I thought I'd share a few of my faves - nothing is more important than having a well designed room to poop in, am I right?

How cool is this chalkboard wall? I think I'd still have to do a real mirror, cause I'm dayum vain. 

Paint an entire wall with chalkboard paint.

Hanging plants = feeling of outdoor shower, without the bugs and the outdoors, which we all know are #theworst.

Hang a row of plants.

Painting the bathroom black. I obviously want everything in my house painted black, so why not toss in the poop room? Also convenient for a nice dark place to fall asleep on the toilet.

Lastly, these awesome old industrial windows used as a shower door are so cool. Potentially hard to pull off and I see a serious amount of escaping water happening. But still.

Trade typical sliding shower doors for the more industrial look of salvaged windows.

Check out their whole list!

Budget doughnuts in the microwave

The other day I went to No Frills and bought 6 doughnuts for $1.

They were incredible, tasted exactly like Krispy Kreme, and I consumed all of them in two days.

Liz Lemon, never have you spoken such true words about budget desserts:

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Interview at Hooters

I was almost glad to swap my blazer for my cropped top and Hooters-sanctioned “cinnamon-tinted” stockings. It was a sigh of relief get away from the endless, tedious string of interviews where I’d been trying to convince middle managers I could make incredible photocopies.

Tori, our DD, lifetime Hooters hostess, bounced over and said there was a table of eight coming in for a work birthday party.

I went to grab menus from the hutch and looked back to see Tori had already seated the party. After a quick glance I recognized one of the men at the table and spun around so they couldn’t see my face.

“Shit Tori! That’s Neil, the guy who interviewed me today!”

“Which one?”

“The bald one. Ohmygod.OHMYGOD!”

“Whatever! Do your thing! Maybe he won’t recognize you with your ass out,” she giggled and snapped her fingers.

“Am I supposed to just walk the fuck up to him and ask if he wants a Hootersizer with his beer?!”

“Pull it together! Jesus. That’s a table of eight… That’s at least fifty bucks in tips. If you want, I can give it to Stacey.”

I thought about it. But damn, I could use that fifty bucks.

“No, I’ll do it. Oh god.”

“I mean, seriously, they’re just a bunch of old, bored married guys. They’ll totally hire you after checking out your rack.”

That’s Tori. So wise.

I glanced down at my top tucked into my tight, orange booty-shorts.

“Tits? Or no tits?”

“What now?"

“Tits,” I pulled down my shirt exposing a decent amount of cleavage. I was wearing the company-mandated double bra to fool everyone into thinking I was at least a C. “Or no tits.” I pulled my shirt back up to demonstrate.

“Tits,” she said. “Always tits.”

I re-tucked my shirt and turned toward the table with a big, sham of a smile.

As I strutted over, Neil looked up, and his face burst into the most awkward look of surprise.

“Oh!” he said, and threw his hands up in the air like I had startled him, “it’s you!”

“Yep, it’s me!” I lay the menu in front of him.

“Well isn’t that just funny. What are the chances? We’re just celebrating some office birthdays and we really love the wings here so…”

Of course! The wings! They were what drew in all our most respectable customers.

“Ya, for sure, they’re the best. Who’s the lucky birthday boy?” I said to the whole table, deciding whether I should even bring up the interview.

“Well, it’s actually two birthdays. Me, and Scott.”

“Oh! Well. Happy birthday! So sorry you had to be doing interviews on your birthday, that’s a drag!” Well, there it was.

“It’s not too bad,” he chuckled. “It’s always nice to have some young faces in an office full of old fogies like these guys.” The table laughed, like they were all in on some inside joke about being old.

“Oh, you aren’t fogies.” It’s usually so easy to flirt with the customers but instead I was sputtering out strange little humiliation-filled three-word bombs. “You seem fun!”


“So what’s a girl like you looking for a job at Strategic Objectives for?” another man, who I think was Scott because he had an “It’s My Birthday!” pin on his shirt, yelled from the other end of the table.

“Oh, well, you know, I’m twenty-two, so, I just graduated university and, it’s time to you know, work in an office and, not wear a uniform, I guess.” I tugged at my shorts. Scott burst into laughter.

“Keep the uniform!” he shouted, as I realized they’d already had a few at another bar.

Neil pursed his lips and held back a smile.

“Well, it seems like a really interesting place to work and I think I’d be lucky to be a part of what you do.” There. That was a good, serious answer.

“Jillian, is that right?” Neil said.

“Well, actually it’s Jo.”

“Oh that’s right. Joanna. D’you think you’d have as much fun with us as you do here?” he joked.

“Exactly, and plus, we’ve got Bruce’s daughter coming in for an interview tomorrow and she’s got an MBA,” Scott blurted. Neil glared at him. Another man, who I could only assume was Bruce, raised his stupid, bushy, proud eyebrows at me.

“I have a marketing specialty and I think I…”

“Sweetheart,” Neil cut me off. “Don’t even worry about it.”

Sweetheart, we all know, along with hun, darling, or kid, translate to: is this application a joke? I’d sooner hire my dog than someone as frivolous as you.

“We’ll give you a call this week and we’ll figure it out.”

Certain my exposed chest was quickly turning red, I tucked my chin down and focused on my order pad.

“Ya. No. Of course. So, does anyone want to start with a Hootersizer?”

When you have to poop right after you get out of the shower


Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Enter Interview

I’d been sitting in my rust bucket car for 20 minutes (covertly parked beside a dumpster) before I finally decided I wasn’t awkwardly early for my interview. My fingernails were chewed into ragged little nubs and I had started to anxiously yank apart the ends of my hair instead.

A perky receptionist with impressively non-ragged fingernails and grown up looking hair greeted me and sat me down in a sticky leather chair to wait for the hiring manager. Employees strolled by, giving me condescending pity smiles as they passed.

I looked down and realized I had substituted nail-biting and hair-yanking for staple-ripping, and had torn up the entire corner of my resume. Fuck.

I started to feel ridiculous in my too serious suit. I’d chosen a navy coloured disaster with shoulder pads, because I thought dressing like I was 45 would come with the assumption of an extensive work history and insights on adult things like politics and mortgages. And I could tell it was one of those very grey workplaces (full of shoulder pads) where motivation and enthusiasm came to die. People worked here to mail it in, to spend more time at home with their kids, to get a nice benefits package to cover their weekly massages. This was not a place I wanted to work.